I'm often surprised by what God prioritizes, and when He decides to interrupt my agenda for something He knows is far more important.
Take the last few weeks for example: I see there is painting, pruning, plumbing, building, and serving to do here in Vanuatu - so as Dani shops for our supplies and cooks her heart out (tonight was incredible homemade pizza!!!) and the nurses here and DTS School students run medical clinics, I throw myself into the practical work.
What I don't always see is fatherhood, careening towards me, every day a little closer.
Luckily there is one who sees, and He knows how to prepare.
So, as God would have it, every day I find myself feeling oddly strong emotions at less-than-convenient times. And when I've had enough of running away from how I feel by accomplishing tasks, I finally ask:
Father, why do I feel so insufficient?
...and in my heart I sense a subtle response.
"Because, Gabe, this situation reminds you of being a little boy who never felt like he lived up to people's expectations."
Well what do you want me to do with THAT?!?
(Is usually my incredulous response)
"I want you to learn to like him. I want you to like Gabe Kirkwood. Not just the "young man Gabe" - the one who performs well, and smiles warmly, and earns people's respect..."
"I want you to like the 'little boy Gabe Kirkwood', the one who hadn't quite figured that stuff out. The one who made mistakes, who didn't usually get it right."
Why? Why is this important now?
"Because you just may have a little boy soon, and if you do, he's going to be a lot like the boy you were!"
"...And because I have ALWAYS liked the little boy you were. Forgive yourself for everything you couldn't be... So you can love and accept your child with open arms, the way I've always accepted you."
AMEN
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